Only Ghouls and Hearses
by SinisterGB
Summary: When Del Boy Trotter has ghosts who ya gonna call? The guy who will give him the puker deal that's who!


Only Ghouls & Hearses  
  
"Come, on gather round, one and all, have I got a deal for you! These are quality chocolate boxes all the way from the chocolate capital of the world; Ireland!"  
  
Derek Trotter had gotten the crowd's attention; he had a twinkle in his eye and was experiencing the thrill of the marketplace.  
  
"Now I can tell you this, I have recently had an order for two dozen boxes of these from George Bush's personal secretary, so there you have it. these chocolates are internationally recognised! You sir, over there in the red, you look like the sort with good taste. how many can I put you down for?  
  
The young man with the red jumper shook his head and walked away.  
  
"Oh well, if chocolates aren't your forte, then maybe I have something else to suit you all! Rodney!"  
  
From somewhere behind the stall a Rodney responded.  
  
"No!" Said Rodney, "I won't come out!"  
  
"Rodney." Snapped Del.  
  
"I won't do it."  
  
"Rodney you better get out here, or you will be dead before you can say Poisson rouge!"  
  
Rodney Trotter, Del boy's young, hapless brother stepped out from behind their yellow three-wheeled van, he wore nothing but a pair of Y-Fronts with a U.K. Flag on it.  
  
"Here we have the latest in fashionable underwear, for the modern day man, each one is hand embroidered with the finest thread money can buy!"  
  
The crowd roared with laughter.  
  
*****  
  
"Viva la Espania!" Shouted Eduardo.  
  
The Ghostbusters stood in a long line at the airport, they were all tired and excited, it was going to be the first holiday that they had had in a long time.  
  
"Oh man. I can't believe we're heading for Spain!"  
  
"Well we are!" Remarked Egon.  
  
"Are you sure Peter, Winston and Ray will be ok at the Fire House?" Asked Kylie. She was nervous, Kylie took her job very seriously, and was uneasy leaving it in the hands of someone else. Still she needed this holiday, it had been a tiring past few weeks, especially after the Bogey man escaped from the containment unit.  
  
"I'm sure they'll be fine!" Replied Egon.  
  
Everybody was dressed in exotic clothing, Hawaiian shirts and shorts. Eduardo in particular had very loud clothing. Kylie wore a very attractive short skirt and tight top, Eduardo loved every minute of it. Egon was the only one dressed in shirt and tie. And despite warnings from Garrett that he would be too hot, this was the only way he felt comfortable.  
  
The line drew shorter, and before long the team was at the counter, ready to receive their tickets.  
  
"Name?" Said the Virgin airlines attendant, she said this as if meaning: - I've been screwed around all day, I'm tired, hungry, and am very underpaid-  
  
"Ghostbusters." Answered Egon.  
  
The attendant raised an eyebrow, it was clear what she thought about them, but she was tired and didn't want to cause a fuss. She sighed.  
  
"Right. found it, Ghostbusters, party of six, Egon Spengler, Eduardo Rivera, Garrett Miller, Kylie Griffin, Roland Jackson and Janine Melnitz. Destination. England, Heathrow. If you'd like to place your baggage here."  
  
"Hang on!" Exclaimed Roland, "England?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Don't you mean Spain?"  
  
"No. If you could place you bags here please."  
  
"I'm sorry, there must be some mistake, you see, we booked Spain!"  
  
"Look honey, I am not to be messed with, you can either take the tickets or leave them!"  
  
"What do we think guys?"  
  
The Ghostbusters muttered to themselves, they had expected hot sunny beaches, not dark, wet weather!"  
  
"I suppose this is the only holiday we get." Muttered Garrett.  
  
"Yeah." Replied Kylie, "I say we take it!"  
  
"Me too!" Said Janine.  
  
"I suppose England has a good history of the paranormal!" Sighed Egon.  
  
"Right, it's settled then!" Stated Roland.  
  
Egon turned back to the attendant and was about to speak.  
  
"Hey, what about me?" Asked Eduardo, don't my opinion count?"  
  
"NO!" Replied the other Ghostbusters.  
  
"We'll take them!" Said Egon.  
  
"Good." Replied the Virgin woman. Please place your bags on the conveyer belt and keep any hand luggage with you!"  
  
Roland began to load the bags, his first, then Kylie's, followed by Garrett's, Eduardo's, Janine's and lastly Egon's two bags. Roland lifted the first with ease, placing it smartly onto the conveyer belt; the belt hummed and moved the bags away. Roland bent down to pick up Egon's second bag, as he lifted, his face showed signs of strain.  
  
"Damn it Egon," He said, "What's in here?"  
  
Egon's expression shifted nervously, he was hiding something.  
  
"Just some personal things!" Answered Egon quickly.  
  
"Hey, fine by me, it's you who has to carry it!"  
  
******  
  
The phone rang, Derek Trotter pulled himself out of bed, tired and weary, Dell's wife, Raquel, slept on, unaware of her husband's midnight dealings.  
  
"Who the hell?" He muttered.  
  
Derek stumbled like a creature of the un-dead towards the phone, picking it up with a grunt.  
  
"Trotter's Independent Traders."  
  
A shifty voice answered, a voice that belonged to a used car salesmen.  
  
"Hello Del, It' Venkman, Charlie Venkman!"  
  
"Charlie!" How ya doing?"  
  
"I'm good Del, I'm good!"  
  
"Cushty! So what have you got in stock?"  
  
"The latest in African Ghost Repellents Del! A fine batch!"  
  
"What do I need Ghost Repellents for?"  
  
"They're Five English Pounds each!"  
  
"I'll take fifty!"  
  
"Wonderful, I'll have them over to you in two days!"  
  
"Lovely Jubly!"  
  
"Pleasure doing business with you Del!"  
  
Charlie Venkman hung up the phone; Del chuckled and rubbed his hands together, before returning to bed.  
  
*****  
  
Egon and his employees sat around a restaurant in the duty free section. It had been a long time since they ate, so each tucked into a good meal!"  
  
"Well, England isn't that bad!" Remarked Roland, "I'm looking forward to it!"  
  
A voice came across the intercom system, harsh and penetrating.  
  
"Would passengers for Heathrow, Virgin airlines report to gateway 15!"  
  
"That's us!" Yelled Garrett.  
  
Hastily, the well-fed team picked up their hand luggage and began to jog towards their gate.  
  
They rounded the corner to see an extremely short queue, as it happened England wasn't a very popular place for a summer holiday. After joining the line it wasn't very long before they were being asked to show their passports.  
  
"Passport." Muttered the burly guard.  
  
"Right here sir." Said Egon, handing over his old and worn passport.  
  
"Go right ahead Professor Spengler!"  
  
"Thank you very much."  
  
Egon took his passport and headed down the foreboding tunnel towards the aircraft.  
  
"Passport please, Miss."  
  
Kylie took out a fresh looking wallet and handed it over, after inspection, the guard gave it back.  
  
"Carry on Miss Griffin!"  
  
"Thanks." She said, and set off to follow Egon.  
  
Roland, stepped up, and was quickly cleared; the same happened with Garrett and Janine, Eduardo was the last one to hand over his passport.  
  
"Here ya go my man!" He said.  
  
"Eduardo Rivera?"  
  
"Yeah, that's me!"  
  
"How old are you?"  
  
"I'm eighteen man."  
  
"Date of birth?"  
  
"Hey! What is this? You didn't pull any of this crap with the others!"  
  
"Your date of birth sir!"  
  
"Eighteenth of July!"  
  
"Carry on sir!"  
  
Eduardo snatched his passport back and stormed off towards the plane, muttering to himself about the state of the airport.  
  
When Eduardo finally arrived in the 747, his colleagues had already taken their seats; Garrett of course, was towards the front of the aisles in a disabled place. Egon was sitting next to Janine, Roland next to Garrett, and that left Kylie. Eduardo sat down next to her.  
  
"Hey babe." He said.  
  
"I'm reading!" She said.  
  
"Fine by me babe!"  
  
A stewardess walked from behind a red curtain, and the TV above her flickered into life. The usual pre flight warnings followed, and of course the Stewardess indicated the exits.  
  
"Thank you for listening!" She said, "After take off the personal TV's in front of you will be available for use, included are films, TV shows, the radio, and games!"  
  
The Virgin airhostess returned to behind the curtain.  
  
The airplane's engines roared into life, and it began to taxi to the runway.  
  
"Hey my ears are popping!" moaned Eddy.  
  
"They only pop during take off!" Retorted Kylie.  
  
"Hey, I knew that!"  
  
The plane began to increase in speed, the Ghostbusters pinned to their seats, and the plane pitched upwards, and was off the ground.  
  
The little monitors in the seats flickered into life, Eduardo laughed excitedly and picked up the remote. Scanning through the TV listings he stopped.  
  
"Hey, Egon!" He yelled.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"There's this show on the TV called Ghostbusters!"  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yeah man!"  
  
"I'll have a look!"  
  
Egon picked up his remote and found the TV listings, sure enough it had the program Ghostbusters listed.  
  
"Ahh!" Sighed Egon, "Mystery solved!"  
  
"What man?"  
  
"A company named Filmations saw Ray, Winston, Peter and I shortly after we started up in the eighties, they loved the idea of ghost catchers, and so they developed a program based on us. We tried to sue, but it was sufficiently different for them to get away with it! You see, Ray became an extremely fat imbecile. I became a tall, smart alec, Pete became a Gorilla, and Winston was non existent!"  
  
"That's too bad man!"  
  
"Tell me about it!"  
  
The aircraft soared through the heavens, and the Ghostbusters began to leave the United States behind.  
  
*****  
  
Del woke to hear his son Damien yelling at the TV in the other room. Slowly, he pulled himself out of bed, still half asleep, Raquel was already up and dressed it seemed!  
  
Del put on his bright red dressing gown and walked into the lounge.  
  
"Morning sunshine!" Chuckled Del, as he patted his son's head.  
  
"Hey! Get off Dad!" Moaned Damien.  
  
Del chuckled some more and went into the kitchen; Del put his arms around Raquel and kissed her cheek.  
  
"Morning sweet heart!" He said.  
  
"Morning Del," She replied. "There's a delivery for you outside, maybe you'd like to take a look at it!"  
  
"In a minute."  
  
"No Del, not in a minute, NOW!  
  
"I'll tell you what, I'll do it now!"  
  
"Why didn't I think of that?"  
  
"No idea."  
  
Del made his way to the front door, upon opening it he saw five wooden crates outside.  
  
"Mange tu!" He exclaimed! "Charlie's a quick one!"  
  
Del chuckled and began to take the crates inside.  
  
******  
  
Rodney woke up, he had just had the most wonderful dream, he and his wife Cassandra still had their millions, and were living in their own flat! The only problem was that it WAS just a dream, and for now he had to put up with sharing an extremely small flat with his brother.  
  
Rodney pulled himself out of bed, leaving his pregnant wife to sleep in a bit, she needed the rest. Pulling on his dressing gown he stepped out of the door, only to land with a heavy thud in front of Damien watching the TV.  
  
"You is in my's way man!" Cried Damien.  
  
"Shut up!" Yelled Raquel from inside the kitchen.  
  
Rodney pulled himself to his feet, and looked back, he had tripped over a wooden crate.  
  
"Derek!" Yelled Rodney.  
  
Del stepped out of his bedroom fully dressed.  
  
"What d'ya want Rodders?" he said.  
  
"What do I want? What do I want? I want you to tell me why there's a huge crate right in front of my door!"  
  
"Calm down Rodders, calm down, it's a shipment I've had from Charlie!"  
  
"That doesn't explain why they're in front of my door though!"  
  
"Well I had to put them somewhere!"  
  
"Cassandra could have tripped over that!"  
  
"Yeah but you did!"  
  
Rodney raised a finger to Del, ready to say something, but didn't.  
  
"Now why don't you shift those onto the settee? Eh?" Continued Del  
  
"Alright!"  
  
"Good lad, ya know it makes sense!"  
  
Rodney picked up the crate and heaved it onto the settee.  
  
"Del?" Said Rod, "What are these?"  
  
Rodney opened the crate and pulled out a wooden figurine of a gremlin, hunched up, Rodney sneered at it.  
  
"What those?" Replied Del.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Oh they're genuine African tribal Ghost repellents!"  
  
"Ghost repellents?"  
  
"Yeah that's right!"  
  
"Del, what the hell do we need ghost repellents for?"  
  
"Honestly Rodney, you're the one with two G.C.Es, to get rid of ghosts!"  
  
"But we haven't got any ghosts!"  
  
"Exactly, they must be working!"  
  
"But."  
  
Rodney struggled to find a counter argument and in the end just sighed.  
  
"How much did you get them for?"  
  
"Fiver a piece!"  
  
"A fiver?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Del, you're never gonna sell those!"  
  
"Course I will, you worry too much!"  
  
Del took a cigar out of his pocket and lit it.  
  
"But Del, who's gonna buy them?"  
  
"Well Trig for one!"  
  
"You never cease to surprise me Del, you never do!"  
  
Del chuckled and puffed his cigar as Rodney went back into his bedroom.  
  
*****  
  
Del sat at his favourite table in the Nag's Head pub, with him was his mates Boyce, Trigger, Denzil, and Mickey.  
  
" Now these, boys, are genuine African tribal, ghost repellents! With one of these you'll never fear another ghost in your life!"  
  
"Yeah right!" Laughed Boyce, Mickey and Denzil.  
  
"Yeah right." Said Trigger, slow to catch on as always.  
  
"Del, the only unnatural thing that hangs around me is you!" Laughed Boyce.  
  
"What about you Den?" Asked Del, "you'll have one won't you?"  
  
"Del, why do I need one of those?"  
  
"Why? Why? Haven't you heard of all these phantom hitchhikers?"  
  
"No. Should I have?"  
  
"They're only the most feared things on the road! They look like people, until some unsuspecting plonker like you picks them up, then they."  
  
"Go on."  
  
"No it's too horrible!"  
  
"Aw Del!"  
  
"All right, they suck the life right out of you!"  
  
"I'll take two!"  
  
"Good one Denzil, you know it makes sense, that'll be twenty quid please!"  
  
Denzil took out his wallet and handed Del a twenty-pound note, Del picked up two of the gremlin statues and handed them to Denzil.  
  
"What about you Trig?" Del asked.  
  
"Trig." Said Boyce, "Those statues are nothing more than tat, that's intended to con poor sods like you out of your money!"  
  
"Yeah!" Said Trig, "your just trying to con me!"  
  
"So how many do you want?" Asked Del.  
  
"I'll take one!"  
  
Boyce sighed.  
  
******  
  
Rodney opened his eyes, he had been lying awake since midnight, he was sure he had just heard a faint scratching. He nudged Cassandra.  
  
"Cass," He whispered, "Are you awake?"  
  
No response.  
  
This time Rodney pushed Cassandra hard.  
  
"Cass," He said, "Are you awake?"  
  
"Well I am now!" She replied, "What's wrong?"  
  
"Can you hear something?"  
  
"No."  
  
"No listen carefully!"  
  
Cassandra sat up properly and listened hard.  
  
"Nope, must have been you imagination! Go back to sleep!"  
  
Rodney closed his eyes, and before long he drifted off.  
  
*****  
  
The Extreme Ghostbusters got off the plane at Heathrow airport, the flight had been mostly uneventful, Eduardo had been kept amused by playing Super Mario Brothers, Egon and Kylie had kept their noses in copies of Tobin's Spirit Guide, Roland and Garrett had enjoyed watching "The Terminator" whilst Janine had slept for most of the journey.  
  
Stepping out of the gateway, the Ghostbusters yawned, it was just after midnight, and they had been subjected to a time change of about six hours.  
  
"Well, we're here!" Said Roland.  
  
"Really?" Muttered Eduardo.  
  
They walked wearily towards the luggage bay and waited for their seven bags. and waited, and waited.  
  
Over an hour passed before two security guards approached them.  
  
"Are you Prof. Egon Spengler?" One of them asked.  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"Could all of you please come with us?"  
  
Eduardo shot Kylie a worried glance; maybe they thought that they were illegal immigrants or something.  
  
The paranormal pest control sat in an interview room, with them sat the head of the RAF, the head of the army and a representative of Heathrow.  
  
"So," Said Air Commodore Bennett, "Could you please tell us, why are you here?"  
  
"We already told you!" Snapped Egon, "we're on holiday!"  
  
"Right, and where in the states did you come from?"  
  
"New York!"  
  
"I see!"  
  
"And you say that you had no intention of destroying international property?"  
  
"No sir!"  
  
"Then what, pray tell, are these?"  
  
Bennett snapped his fingers, and the two security guards picked up one of Egon's bags and placed it on the table. The head of the army, Wilson, unzipped the bag and pulled down the sides.  
  
"Do you deny that these are instruments of terrorism?"  
  
Inside the bag were one proton pack, ghost trap, blue flight suit and PKE meter.  
  
"They're not weapons, they're Ghost catching devices!"  
  
Air Commodore Bennett sat stunned.  
  
"Ghost catching?" He asked.  
  
"That's right!"  
  
"I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my life!"  
  
"You can ask the New York Mayor! He knows!"  
  
"We'll do that!"  
  
******  
  
Two hours later the Extreme Ghostbusters stepped out of the airport and into the streets.  
  
"Egon!" Exclaimed Garrett, "What possessed you to bring a pack?"  
  
"It's a force of habit!" Replied Egon.  
  
A taxi-bus pulled up, the airport had been gracious enough to call one after realising the mistake.  
  
The team got in, exhausted and irritated after the delay.  
  
"So where's the hotel?" Asked Kylie.  
  
"In a town called Peckham!" Answered Egon.  
  
They sat silently, too tired to talk, waiting to arrive at their hotel.  
  
*****  
  
The cab pulled up outside a dingy and tacky looking hotel, the sign hanging above the single wooden door was rotting, and hung askew, it read: The Roebuck inn.  
  
Stepping out of the car, Egon sighed, he looked up at the place they would stay, and it wasn't the most appealing place in the world!  
  
*****  
  
Del woke up, he had had the strangest dream, he had dreamt that, during the night, he had woken up, only to find a wispy figure standing at the foot of his bed, the figure was male, and his eyes protruded from their sockets ever so slightly. His lips were drawn back, exposing the hideous row of yellowed teeth in his head. The man's hair was long and white, it had looked greasy, but Del couldn't be sure. As quickly as the vision had come it faded away.  
  
Raquel was lying next to him; she had been awake for a while and was wearing her dressing gown. In her hands was a magazine, and she appeared to be engrossed in it!  
  
"Ahh." Said Del, still waking up, "Morning darling."  
  
"Morning Del."  
  
"What time is it?"  
  
"Del."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Would you have a quick look in the lounge for me?"  
  
"Whatever you say!"  
  
Del pulled himself out of bed and stumbled to the door. He paused, expecting some horrific mess caused by Damien. Del opened the door and poked his head through.  
  
"Um, honey," Said Del, pulling his head back in. "The walls are bleeding!"  
  
"I know. Any idea why they might be bleeding? Do you think it might have any thing to do with your new stock?"  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about."  
  
"You should see Damien's room."  
  
Del left the room and trudged through the pool of blood on the floor, after brief hesitation, Del opened the door.  
  
"Yo Dad!" Cried Damien, "I is biggin' it up!"  
  
Del shuffled back into his bedroom.  
  
"He's on the ceiling isn't he?" Said Raquel, sarcastically.  
  
"He's a lad." Chuckled Del, "I'll go try and get him down"  
  
"You do that Del."  
  
From outside Del heard a scream, and Rodney burst through the door!  
  
"I knew that boy was evil!" He screamed, "He's on the bloody ceiling!"  
  
"We know." Remarked Raquel.  
  
"He's not evil." Said Del.  
  
"Then what is it?" Asked Rod, "It's those Ghost Repellents, isn't it? I said it was a bad idea!"  
  
"How can it be? They're Ghost REPELLENTS, not Ghost attractors."  
  
"Yeah well let's see!"  
  
Rodney stormed into the lounge, his felt sloshing through the puddles of blood. Del followed him, cigar in hand.  
  
"Let me show you!" Said Del, picking up a gremlin statue, he turned it upside down and read. Genuine African Ghost Repellents, Courtesy Of Charlie Venkman. See?"  
  
Rodney snatched the statue, and pointed to the bottom.  
  
"Del! It's made in China!"  
  
Del snatched it back and looked at the bottom hard.  
  
"That son of a. He conned me! It's all your fault you Twenty Eight carrot plonker!"  
  
"My fault?" Yelled Rodney.  
  
"Yeah, you should have stopped me before I bought them, you are the managing director after all!"  
  
"How could I? You bought them at midnight!"  
  
"Yeah well." Said Del, Flicking his dressing gown collar, "Do you know what your mother said to me when she was on her death bed?"  
  
"She must have been on that bed a long time!"  
  
"Hey!" Said Del, raising a finger at Rod, "She said, Del boy, my son, embrace the supernatural!"  
  
"Del. when she was alive they didn't have the supernatural!"  
  
"Course they did!"  
  
"Well what are we gonna do? I can't let Cassandra see this, not in her state."  
  
At that moment Cass called from out of the bedroom.  
  
"Rodney?" She said, "Why is there pink slime flowing into the bath?"  
  
"Shit." muttered Rod.  
  
Del ran over to the coffee table and picked up the phone.  
  
"Who ya gonna call?" Asked Rodney.  
  
"The Exorcist. Who do you think, you plonker? I'm calling the police, hide the dodgy stuff will you?"  
  
******  
  
Egon awoke to hammering at the door, he had slept badly, and was sharing a lounge with Garrett, Roland and Eduardo, Janine and Kylie had the main bedroom.  
  
Slowly Egon got up and opened the door.  
  
"Can I help you officer?"  
  
Two police officers stood at the door.  
  
"Are you a Ghostbuster?" Replied a cop.  
  
"Yes, Professor Egon Spen."  
  
"Save it, it doesn't matter!"  
  
"Is there some kind of trouble officer?"  
  
"Well yeah, but it's not you guys, we got a guy not far from here complaining about ghosts and voodoo crap, he phoned us up, and we weren't sure what to do! Anyhow, some new guy patched us through to the army, and they told us about you guys over here! Reckon you could help?"  
  
"I expect so."  
  
"If you could just get your stuff, we'll err, escort you there!"  
  
"Won't be long sir."  
  
*****  
  
Del sat with his feet on settee, having being kicked out of his bedroom this was the only place that he could relax.  
  
There came a sharp knock at the door.  
  
"Come in," yelled Del.  
  
The door opened and the two police officers stepped in.  
  
"Sweet mother of Mary. It's a raid!" Cried Del.  
  
"No sir, we're here in response to the call you made!"  
  
"Oh right. Femme la Bouch, my good sir, Femme la bouch."  
  
"Unless there is something we should know about?"  
  
Del was about to reply when Egon walked through the door wearing full uniform and equipment. The rest of the Extreme Ghostbusters followed, wearing casual clothing.  
  
"What are you supposed to be? Pest control?"  
  
"No, we're the Ghostbusters!"  
  
"Yeah right. Pull the other one!"  
  
"I assure you we are."  
  
"Anyway, it doesn't matter, can you help us out?"  
  
"Certainly, what's the problem?"  
  
"You're standing in it!"  
  
"Oh." Egon looked down, aware of the puddle of blood beneath his feet, for the first time. Looking around, he saw the walls bleeding, and the ceiling coated in Ecto-Plasmic residue.  
  
"If you don't mind, we'll err, take our leave!" Said one of the police, before they left the building.  
  
Egon pulled out his PKE meter and began to scan the room.  
  
"Definitely something here." He said.  
  
"Well of course there's something here!" Retorted Del, "Can't you see that?"  
  
"Well yes."  
  
Eduardo spotted one of the statues and picked it up..  
  
"Hah! Venkman's Ghost Repellents, reckon this guy is related to Peter?"  
  
Egon sighed and picked up Del's phone."  
  
"Whoa, whoa." Said Del, "Who ya gonna call?"  
  
"A colleague."  
  
"That overseas?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Make it reverse charge."  
  
*****  
  
Peter sat at the desk in the Ghostbusters HQ, his last exploit in the world of Ghost busting was a only the year before, he had single handily faced down a creature from the depths of the Bermuda Triangle. All right, maybe not single handily, but he thought that he had played a key part.  
  
Swinging back on his chair he flicked pencils at Slimer, who, was conveniently allowing himself to be used for a target. The phone rang shrilly and Pete picked up.  
  
"Ghostbusters, the largest paranormal removal company in America."  
  
"Hello, Peter?" Said Egon, over the phone.  
  
"Egon! Hi, how's Spain?"  
  
"We're actually in England!"  
  
"Poor you."  
  
"Listen does this mean anything to you. Genuine African Ghost Repellents, Courtesy Of Charlie Venkman."  
  
"What?"  
  
"It seems like your dad's at it again!"  
  
"Damn it, that conman!"  
  
"Yes, but there is a bigger problem."  
  
"What?"  
  
"It seems they attract ghosts."  
  
"That is a problem."  
  
"Yes, it also appears that your father is in England!"  
  
"That son of a."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Ok Egon, how much fuel has the Ecto-2 got?"  
  
"Well I modifies the fuel converter to accept solar power, so in theory it should have unlimited. Why?"  
  
"How long does it take to cross the Atlantic?"  
  
"About ten hours why?"  
  
"Where in England are you?"  
  
"London, a place called Peckham."  
  
"I'll see you in eleven hours!"  
  
"What!"  
  
Peter hung up the phone and stood up.  
  
"RAY!" Yelled Peter.  
  
From some other room, Ray replied.  
  
"Yeah Pete."  
  
"Can you manage on your own here for a day or so?"  
  
"Sure, why?"  
  
"Winston and I need to take the chopper out on a spin! WINSTON! SUIT UP!"  
  
*****  
  
Egon placed the phone down on the hook and sighed.  
  
"Mister Trotter."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"We can help you with your problem, but we need something from you."  
  
"What?" Replied Del, suspiciously.  
  
"Well, for your own protection, we need to spend one or two nights here!"  
  
"Why can't you do whatever you need to do now?"  
  
"Because we eliminate ghosts, and we can't find an actual ghost, we need to find the guy who gave you these statues, and then maybe we can do something!"  
  
*****  
  
The Ecto-2 took off from the roof of the Fire House, and headed east.  
  
"Yo Pete!" Asked Winston, "Why are we heading to England?"  
  
"We have to find my father, he's caused no end of problems!"  
  
"That I can believe, so why do we need the packs?"  
  
"Trust me, you're better not knowing!"  
  
*****  
  
Kylie settled down on the sheets that had been provided on the floor in Del's bedroom, she was sharing the room with Raquel and Cassandra, the boys were in Rodney's room.  
  
"So tell me," Said Raquel, as the magazine to the side of her levitated, floated across to the door and dropped. "What exactly do you do?"  
  
"Well," Replied Kylie.  
  
******  
  
Egon lay on a camp bed in Del's room; Eduardo, Roland and Garrett were not so lucky; they were lying on the floor.  
  
"So how do you know Charlie then?" Asked Del.  
  
"He's the father of an associate of mine, he seems to cause trouble wherever he goes."  
  
"That I can believe."  
  
"So what's trade like in New York?"  
  
Roland began to levitate, still lying as if he was sleeping. Suddenly the reality of what was happening struck him.  
  
"Err, guys?" He cried.  
  
"Don't worry." Replied Egon, "It can't hurt you like that."  
  
"I feel so much better."  
  
*****  
  
Rodney half opened his eyes, still tired, had yesterday been a complete dream? He sat up, and stepped off the bed.  
  
Before he knew it he was hurtling towards the floor, and then he landed, it had only been a drop of about 5 foot, it seemed that the bed had been floating.  
  
Rodney sighed and pulled himself up; he brushed himself down and headed into the lounge.  
  
It was still dripping with blood, there were bigger and more puddles now, it didn't surprise him, he opened the front door to find a package.  
  
Rodney picked up the brown paper box; there was a note on it.  
  
-To Del and Dave, Sorry but it doesn't work, Trigger-  
  
Curiously Rod opened the box, only to find a gremlin statue.  
  
"Hang on." Said Rod, ""Didn't work?"  
  
Sighing, he put the statue to one side and went into the kitchen.  
  
He was dying for a cup of tea, and so filled the kettle with water; only he had to hold it upside down, because the water wanted to flow upwards.  
  
Rod placed the kettle back down and connected it to the mains.  
  
Of course you need milk in tea, so Rodney opened the fridge door, a small goblin sat there, grinning.  
  
"MILK?" It said.  
  
Rodney paused, cautious and shocked.  
  
"Err, yes please."  
  
The goblin passed out a bottle of milk.  
  
"Thanks." Muttered Rod.  
  
"Don't mention it." Replied the goblin.  
  
Rodney shut the door, absolutely confused, as he continued to make his drink.  
  
There was a sudden knock on the door, Rod came out of the kitchen, holding his drink, and opened the door.  
  
Peter Venkman and Winston Zeddemore stepped in.  
  
"Hi." Said Pete, "We're the Ghostbusters."  
  
"So, your with the others?" Asked Rodney.  
  
"Yep!" Replied Winston.  
  
"Come in then."  
  
Pete and Winston stepped in, behind them scuttled a nervous man in his sixties, Charlie Venkman.  
  
*****  
  
The Ghostbusters stood in the lounge, accompanied by Del and Charlie, blood still poured from the walls, and now objects began to randomly float around.  
  
"Ok Chad, start talking!" Yelled Del.  
  
"Whoa, whoa," Cried Pete, "calm down, let me handle this. Ok Dad, start talking, what's so special about these statues? We know they're not genuine!"  
  
"Ok, ok, son." Muttered Charlie, "I found a picture of a genuine ghost repellent in a book, so I copied the design an sold them, it ain't illegal!"  
  
"Yeah but it's morally wrong, I'm ashamed of you!"  
  
"I thing I know what's happened!" Said Kylie.  
  
"What?" Asked Del.  
  
"Well, by adding the writing underneath, and the Venkman Corp logo, he altered the design, making it flawed, and a flawed piece of African magic could do the exact reverse."  
  
"Very good Kylie!" Said Egon.  
  
"So what do I do?" Pleaded Del.  
  
"Well, it's seems simple, we just get rid of the statues!"  
  
******  
  
Del crashed onto the settee, exhausted, every single statue had been removed and destroyed. The walls had stopped bleeding, and earlier Damien had crashed to the floor. It seemed that all of the paranormal infestation had been driven out!"  
  
The Ghostbusters had left almost immediately, Peter had wanted to charge Del, but Egon insisted that they were on holiday so there was no need to charge.  
  
"Everything's back to normal." Muttered Del.  
  
"Yeah" Said Rodney, "Good job you only sold one to Trig."  
  
Derek sat up, stunned.  
  
"I sold one to Denzil! Do you think he's ok?"  
  
******  
  
Denzil drove his truck down the motorway, listening to Blues Brothers music.  
  
Den felt a cold hand rest on his knee; he turned his head, only to see a horrific ghostly woman!  
  
"AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!" He screamed! "I hate you Dell."  
  
******  
  
"Yeah, he would have said something by now!" Replied Rodney. 


End file.
